The People-Pleasing Trap: Why We Put Others First and How to Break Free

Do you often feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? Perhaps you’re the person who always says “yes,” even when you’re already overwhelmed. You might find yourself constantly worrying about what others think, going out of your way to avoid conflict, or feeling guilty when you can’t meet everyone’s expectations. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with the burden of people-pleasing—a pattern of behaviour that leaves them feeling drained, resentful, and disconnected from themselves.

Saying no to friends and family can raise feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness - but it doesn't have to be that way.

What Does People-Pleasing Look Like?

Imagine this: Sarah, a 32-year-old teacher, spends her weekends helping friends move house, organising family gatherings, and volunteering at her local community centre. She’s exhausted, but she can’t say no. She worries that if she stops being so helpful, people will think she’s selfish or stop liking her, and her fear of guilt in not helping others prevents her from prioritising herself.

Or consider James, a 40-year-old manager who stays late at work every day to cover for his team. After all, doesn't a good leader support his team? If the team is under-performing, doesn't that reflect entirely on him, as manager? He’s desperate to prove his worth, but his relationships are suffering. He is driven by the anxiety of failure even though he knows he's chronically stressed, and he feels like he’s lost sight of who he really is.

These stories are all too common. People-pleasers often feel like they’re stuck between "doing the right thing - for others" and doing what is right for themselves.

Where Does This Burden Come From?

People-pleasing often stems from early experiences. If you grew up in an environment where love or approval was conditional—where you had to “earn” it by being helpful, quiet, or compliant—you might have learned to suppress your own needs to feel safe or accepted. Schema Therapy, a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young, refers to this as the Self-Sacrifice schema. This schema develops when we’re taught, explicitly or implicitly, that our worth as a person depends on meeting others’ needs.

Dr. Michelle, our senior psychologist and founder of Unburden Psychology, explains: “People-pleasing isn’t just a habit—it’s a survival strategy. It’s something you learned to do to protect yourself, often at a time when you had no other options. It has worked in the past - but it doesn't help us now.”

Why Do We Keep Carrying this Burden?

Even when we recognise the toll people-pleasing takes on us, breaking the cycle can feel impossible. This is because the behaviour is reinforced over time. When we put others first, we might receive praise, avoid conflict, or feel a temporary sense of belonging. These rewards, however small, keep the pattern going.

Neuropsychological research also shows that people-pleasing can become a deeply ingrained habit. When we repeatedly prioritise others, our brains form neural pathways that make this behaviour automatic. Over time, saying “yes” when we want to say “no” becomes our default response.

But the cost is high. People-pleasers often struggle with anxiety, burnout, and low self-esteem. They may feel invisible in their relationships, as if their own needs and desires don’t matter.

How Can We Unburden Ourselves from our People Pleasing Tendancies?

The good news is that change is possible. Schema Therapy offers powerful tools for breaking free from people-pleasing patterns. Here are some steps to get started:

1. Recognise Your Patterns

The first step is to become aware of when and why you people-please. Keep a journal to track situations where you put others first. Ask yourself: What was I afraid would happen if I said no? What did I hope to gain by saying yes?

To deepen this reflection, try to identify recurring themes. For example, do you often say “yes” to avoid conflict, or because you fear being seen as selfish? Writing these patterns down can help you see them more clearly and begin to understand the underlying fears driving your behaviour.

2. Challenge Your Beliefs

People-pleasers often hold deep-seated beliefs like, “If I don’t put others first, I’ll be rejected” or “My needs don’t matter.” Schema Therapy encourages us to challenge these beliefs by asking, Is this really true? What evidence do I have that supports or contradicts this belief?

For example, if you believe that saying “no” will lead to rejection, reflect on times when you’ve set boundaries. Did the relationship actually end, or did it adapt? Often, we catastrophise outcomes that never come to pass. Writing down evidence for and against your beliefs can help you see them more objectively.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Many people-pleasers are incredibly hard on themselves. They criticise themselves for not being “good enough” or for feeling resentful. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend.

Michelle often reminds her clients, “You don’t have to earn the right to have needs. They’re valid simply because you’re human.”

Start by noticing your self-talk. When you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and ask, Would I say this to a friend? If not, try reframing the thought with kindness. For example, instead of, “I’m so selfish for wanting time to myself,” try, “It’s okay to need a break. I deserve care too.”

4. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Start small. For example, if a friend asks for a favour and you’re already overwhelmed, try saying, “I’d love to help, but I can’t right now.” Remember, boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re necessary for healthy relationships.

To make boundary-setting easier, prepare a few go-to phrases in advance, such as:

• “I need some time to think about that.”

• “I’m not able to commit to that right now.”

• “I’d love to help, but I have other priorities at the moment.”

Practice these phrases in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Over time, setting boundaries will feel more natural.

5. Reconnect with Your Needs

People-pleasers often lose touch with their own desires and preferences. Take time to reflect on what you truly want, whether it’s in your relationships, career, or personal life. Schema Therapy encourages us to nurture the Healthy Adult mode, which helps us balance our own needs with those of others.

Start by asking yourself simple questions like:

• What do I enjoy doing?

• What makes me feel energised or fulfilled?

• What would I do if I weren’t worried about what others think?

Journaling your answers can help you reconnect with your authentic self. Over time, you’ll begin to prioritise your needs alongside others’.

This Is Hard Work—And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Let’s be honest: unlearning lifelong patterns of people-pleasing is hard work. These behaviours are often tied to deep-seated fears of rejection, abandonment, or shame. It’s not just about changing habits—it’s about rewiring your brain and challenging beliefs that may have been with you for decades. It’s normal to feel scared, vulnerable, or even resistant at times.

This is where working with a registered psychologist can make all the difference. A psychologist isn’t just a therapist—they’re your personal mentor, cheerleader, and guide. They provide a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your fears, challenge your beliefs, and practice new ways of being.

For people with people-pleasing tendencies, a psychologist trained in Schema Therapy can be particularly helpful. Schema Therapy is designed to address the deep-rooted patterns that drive these behaviours. It helps you understand where your people-pleasing comes from, how it’s been reinforced over time, and how you can develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Dr. Michelle explains: “Schema Therapy is like having a roadmap for change. It helps you understand the ‘why’ behind your behaviour and gives you practical tools to create lasting change. It’s not about quick fixes—it’s about building a stronger, more authentic version of yourself.”

Final Thoughts

Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. It’s about recognising that your needs matter, that you deserve to take up space, and that saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you a human being.

As Michelle often says to her clients, “Change doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step you take towards valuing yourself is a victory.”

If you’re struggling with the burden of people-pleasing, know that you don’t have to face it alone. At Unburden Psychology, we provide a safe space to explore the roots of this behaviour and develop new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.

Remember, you are worthy of love and respect—not because of what you do for others, but simply because of who you are.

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If you found this blog helpful, feel free to share it with others who might benefit. And if you’re ready to take the next step, consider reaching out to a therapist who can support you on your journey.